Yes Lord, the struggle is indeed real. I just have to keep on. A couple points today.
1. Last night I was feeling really down on my decision to return to Catholicism. I was regretting it. I was feeling sorrowful for it. I was thinking once again, I bought the enemies lies. I woke up and was like “I am not going to Mass”…I searched up the time for my in laws church service. I debated going to my baptist church. Then I debated not going anywhere at all.
I sat and checked my email and the Mass readings where there and then I said, I must go to Mass. I went solo, left the little kids home….I will get back to this after point 2.
2. I then scrolled through my news feed and saw an anti-Catholic page gripping about the canonization of Saint [Mother] Teresa of Calcutta. The comments on the page were exclaiming that Mother Teresa was lost and never knew Jesus because for years she talked about the darkness and doubts that filled her soul.
In the darkness . . . Lord, my God, who am I that you should forsake me? The child of your love — and now become as the most hated one. The one — you have thrown away as unwanted — unloved. I call, I cling, I want, and there is no one to answer . . . Where I try to raise my thoughts to heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul. Love — the word — it brings nothing. I am told God lives in me — and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.
Um….hello….this is me! I have been seeking The Lord for the past 20 years. I have been “saved” and yet still was not free. You know how Jesus says knock and the door will be opened, ask and Ye shall find. I have done those things. To the naysayer who says I was never truly saved. I have seen God work in my life and know He has guided and answered many of my prayers. He has walked with me through dark times. But in this specific area, my relationship with Him, he is quiet. There is a distance, there always has been.
3. So I went to Mass. I am comfortable there. I enjoy the peace that the sanctuary brings. Quiet. Prayers. I am not good at praying freestyle, so I do use the prayers written in my prayer book. They are no less prayer than singing hymns written by someone else is worship. I prayed and participated in the Mass like it was my job. Every word I uttered I meant deep down. My mind wandered a little, I got distracted some, but I kept pulling myself back. Holy communion comes and I receive the Holy Eucharist. I am praying the prayers in my prayer book and suddenly I just stop. Tears fill my eyes and warmth washes over me. He is there.
Saint Teresa and I are going to become friends. As Father had said to me, this struggle I have he cannot answer. I have to answer it myself. With Gods help of course. Thankfully Saint Teresa has gone through this and will be able to help me.
I am counting on these words.
“If I ever become a Saint–I will surely be one of ‘darkness.’ I will continually be absent from Heaven–to light the light of those in darkness on earth,” Mother Teresa