Why is this so hard?

Over the past week I have faced so much doubt in my decision.  I was thinking about calling up my old pastor to talk about it, I didn’t though.  That likely would have sold the deal in my un-reversion.  So I have prayed and just suffered with these clouds of confusion.

My priest hooked me up with a Sister to be my spiritual director.  I meet with her in a week.  At this point though I am beginning to wonder if I should even waste her time.  So today I went to adoration.  I prayed.  I also observed.  There were some people there truly worshipping with complete focus.  I am almost certain the walls could have been falling and they would not have moved.  What was I doing?  Folks.  I was having a hard time staying awake.  Begging and pleading for faith to believe.  I ended up standing in the back of the church, tears filling my eyes, just asking for the Lord to help me.  Help me believe He is there in the Eucharist.  Help me believe He is calling me home to His church.  Just help.

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6 thoughts on “Why is this so hard?

  1. Maybe the homily that I heard today at my parish was also for you too! Our priest spoke all about persevering on, even when we don’t feel God’s presence. He even said that this time means that God is preparing you for something! He might be testing your faith at the moment- calling you to remain with him even among distractions or darkness. He does this only for our good. In every circumstance, God has a plan for our happiness, our future. St. Alphonsus Ligouri speaks about staying close to the Lord, especially at these moments. Sometimes we feel like we might as well step back from it all because we are confused, tired, hopeless. Ligouri says, why would we step away from the flame, when we are cold ? I find this so beautiful. When I have moments of desolation, I try to remember these words. Jesus is the flame and the light who will warm our souls and our hearts. In the Eucharist, concealed in bread- He is present! He wants to make a home in our hearts. I pray for you. Please pray for me. It’s a big journey of faith, but we are so blessed to have the sacraments and saints and angels and brothers and sisters praying for us!

    • Thank you for these comments! I will pray for you, thank you for praying for me. I can totally see my problem al my life has been perseverance. Rather than sticking it out many times past I have left the church. It makes sense that He would be trying to teach me this. The sacraments saints and angels are definitely a godsend in this journey.

  2. Hi Jill – if you are having a problem with faith, feeling heavy laden and weary the answer is always to come to Him. As it says in Matthew, if you do so He will give you rest.

    Put aside the extraneous – church and doctrinal differences and work it out with the Lord. The Bible says that He ever lives to make intercession for us and that He is the intermediary between God and man. Churches may let you down but Jesus never will. He loves you so much He gave up everything for you….not for a building, ritual or how we do church…for you.

    God is not the author of confusion so when I find myself confused it’s a pretty good sign I am making it about me rather than Jesus.

    Worship Him, submit to Him and focus on Him and then figure out the rest.

      • It is a common issue. The world and even the church throw a lot at us.

        I don’t know my point came through but I was thinking about the story of Mary and Martha when Jesus was visiting them. Martha was so caught up in do, do, do she was missing out on having Jesus. Mary was just sitting at His feet adoring Him. By all indications she was just a simple gal with no pomp or title and she was welcomed by the Lord who says take from me, learn from me.

        You are not bad for being confused – there is no shame or guilt in Christ Jesus – God calls us sheep and sheep are known for being not particularly bright and generally for being a handful for the shepherd. Ernestly seeking Him and accepting nothing less is a good thing – it is what Jesus says to do – Come to me.

        So if you can, put aside the issues of confusion and go to Him and His Word and sit at His feet. He never lets us down. He will also clear up the confusion in the process.

      • Ps – both my wife and I grew up in the Catholic Church and I am now a pastor of a non-denominational church so myself and my wife have definitely been there – your journey is very familiar.

        I could provide my opinion, but it was only when we worked out our salvation with fear and trembling as the Bible says that the Lord really took over our lives and made things so wonderfully clear. The direction to work it out with fear and trembling applies not to doing works in life – we can’t add a thing to what Jesus did on the cross – but to making sure that you are clear on your relationship with the Lord with reverence for the Lord.

        I will be praying for you!

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