October 21st, 2013. It was a Monday. It was a nice day. I cannot remember if I took the day off work or intended to go in late. That morning we went to the doctors office for a ultrasound. The days that led up to that day helped me with what I was about to experience.
Pregnancy brings out the worst of anxiety in me. Man, if only I could go back to my early 20’s and have carefree prenatal experience. That was truly majestic. Blind to the horrors pregnancy can offer. Pregnancy in my 30’s came with fear and anxiety. I had never had pregnancy problems, but, I wasn’t so young and naive in my 30’s. I had lived enough at that point to know what still birth, miscarriage, and SIDS were. Thankfully up to this point I hadn’t experienced any of them. And while I don’t dare take anything from those parents who have, I still lived in the fear that it were possible.
Early pregnancy is very scary. That is when you have all the statistics. Forget that there are millions of people on this planet that started out in the wombs of their mothers. Forget that. Because there are millions upon millions who don’t make it that far. And there is nothing we can do about it. Nothing but sit and wait and enjoy each day as it comes.
I had been experiencing the amount of first trimester fear that was normal for me, until the fear and anxiety started to consume me. I recall the day very vividly. I was walking into work, at this point on a small dirt path. As I round the corner from the dirt path to the sidewalk, it overcame me, and I started crying. Yes, I am crying as I am walking. I could barely see past the tears as they filled my eyes. There was nothing I could do. I was helpless. No wait. There was certainly something I could do, PRAY! I know, so many don’t believe in prayer. I am not quite sure if I truly believed in prayer until this particular day. “Lord, this baby is in your hands, and I am too. Please Father, give me your peace, take this fear and anxiety from me. Help me get through today.”
Well, I’m not certain if that was my exact words, but it was similar to it.
I managed to stop the tears and I got through the work day. It wasn’t until several hours later that I realized I wasn’t fearful anymore. I wasn’t feeling anxiety. I was literally at peace. I felt completely carefree, the shackles of fear and anxiety had fallen, no, they had been taken away by The God I fail at serving. Even thinking the worst, and I still felt peace. This. THIS. THIS had to be what is spoken of in Sacred Scripture. From that day until October 21st, I had not one single ounce of fear. I had peace.
Phillipians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Sidenote: I had quoted this scripture, in part, for years. This scripture was given to me in my women’s small group as a memorization verse two weeks ago. I love how The Lord works things out like that. I will hang onto it as I am really not looking forward to this particular anniversary.)
It did turn to sadness on October 21st when we went back for our ultrasound. I remember this very vividly too. We were in a perinatologist office, they have screens on the walls in front of you so you can see the ultrasound when they are doing it. Under normal circumstances, that is really awesome. But on this particular day, they didn’t have to say anything to me. When the wand went against my belly, my womb was completely still and silent. Totally not normal for 13 weeks gestation. I asked the technician hoping she saw something I didn’t, if there was a heartbeat. I held onto hope that I was mistaken. She tried to find one, knowing she wasn’t, she said she wasn’t sure and went and got the doctor. He too didn’t see it. At first I was okay, but knowing at that moment that I was rationale and letting it sink in, I began crying. Not sobbing or anything, just some tears running down my cheeks. Don’t dare talk to me at the time, I wouldn’t have been able to. The next few days were of course hard. Actually, the next 12 months were hard, though each day getting a little easier. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of that baby, and I look forward to the day that we will meet.
I did have a saving grace during that which I believe I shared before, but here it is again.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.